These Conversation Tips Will Make Date 3,520 Feel Like the First One
The stage is set for a great date night with your spouse or partner: You’ve cleared your schedules, booked any necessary childcare arrangements, and slipped on a date-ready outfit that makes you feel great. Now the two of you are seated in a cozy corner of the restaurant you’ve wanted to check out forever—finally, a chance to set aside the demands of everyday life and simply focus on each other!
Except, before the appetizer even comes, you’ve settled into a weary exchange over the water heater that needs replacing, and suddenly this date feels a lot less relaxing. Or perhaps you’re steeping in the glazed-over “comfortable silence” that’s familiar to many couples who think they’ve discussed every topic and know everything there is to know about each other. Everything is going fine; pleasant, even. But does it feel date-y?
“We talk about the kids, we talk about the dog, we talk about what happened at work today,” says Susan Scott, author of Fierce Love: Creating a Love that Lasts—One Conversation at a Time. “It’s really easy to assume that we know everything there is to know.” Yet unvoiced motivations, needs, and desires are always evolving and exploring those can take even the strongest long-term relationships to a new level.
Need inspiration for your next great date-night conversation? We’ve got expert recommendations on what to talk about on date night when you’ve been together forever.
But first, here’s what not to talk about.
When you’ve pressed pause on life to enjoy an evening together, it’s tempting to bubble up the topics that are always front of mind. Try not to. “I definitely avoid having what I like to call business meetings, which all couples do to just manage their life,” says Christie Kedarian, a marriage and family therapist based in California.
“Whether you have kids or not, you’re partners in multiple ways—you’re romantic partners, you’re friends, you’re co-managers of your life and schedule,” Kedarian continues. “No talking shop, no complaining about work. Those topics can be saved for another time.”
OK, if you really need to discuss something hard…
That said, you don’t want to shut your partner down if they do bring up something they’ve been dealing with at work or in another area of their life. Listening without offering solutions (unless they ask outright) is crucial.
“When we communicate sadness or other dark emotions to people who care about us, there’s often this flare of ‘Oh no, my person is hurting. I need to fix it,’” explains therapist Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, founder of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching in Denver. “As well-intentioned as it is, it’s often experienced as emotional invalidation. So then your partner starts working harder to be heard, which can often turn to yelling.”
If you’re the person who feels frustrated at your partner’s attempt to “fix” your issue, Bobby offers this example script: “I really want to talk about how I’m feeling, and I am not looking to get advice from you. This is not a solvable problem right now. This is not a criticism of you; I feel like it’s just important for me to share this. No action is required.”
Now, here’s how to spark a great conversation.
According to Bobby, “one very simple thing couples can do that can strengthen attachment is to take turns asking and answering open-ended questions.” She cites both her own experience and research on the perceived emotional impact of reciprocal sharing, the latter of which became famous in a viral 2015 New York Times “Modern Love” column.
Bobby says that answering neutral yet thought-provoking questions while doing something simple together, like listening to music or taking a walk, “can neurologically create a space where there’s a deep emotional connection to each other—partly from the content, but also partly from the activity.”
The great news is, there’s no shortage of imaginative questions for you to explore together, whether it’s via card deck, an app, or Oprah Daily’s own roundups.
The Gottman Card Decks app
The Gottman Institute, a research-based authority on the psychology of relationships founded by psychologists John and Julie Gottman, has been a trusted resource for 25 years. Their free app puts 14 card decks’ worth of questions and activity ideas in the palm of your hand, inspired by their Art and Science of Love weekend workshop for couples. The Open-Ended Questions deck asks things such as “What do you need right now in a friend?” and “How has your outlook on life changed in the past two years?” while the Date Questions deck offers prompts like “Tell me about the first birthday that you remember.”
Not so tech-savvy? You can find several physical card decks for sale on their site, including 52 Questions After 50.
Get the Gottman Card Decks app
Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin? game
Belgian psychotherapist and The State of Affairs author Esther Perel is particularly noted for her work in the field of marriage and infidelity. Her relationships podcast, Where Should We Begin?, captivates listeners with real audio from Perel’s couples counseling sessions. It’s no surprise that her Where Should We Begin? card game is so wildly popular, it has to restock frequently. You’ll find questions like “A dream I’ve never shared is…?”